It's easy to do! Just ignore your creative instinct...watch more T.V. In fact, sell that drum kit, that
monoprint press, or that particle accelerator... You're sure to get some quick cash (approximately a
third of what you paid for it) with the added benefit of being able to say you had to give up your
dreams due to financial reasons...of course, you can always brag about how good you used to be!
This should fill you with a sense of pride.
Why pay now when you can pay later?! With interest rates at as much as 19% you can always blame
your financial hardships later in life on those big faceless corporations...(this will also justify your
having to sell that monoprint press as listed in example one!) So, go ahead! Take your girlfriend out
to that fancy dinner, buy that motorcycle you always wanted (even if you already have one!), put your
hospital bills on the card! It's EASY! Why worry about ever being eligible for mortgages, car loans,
educational financial aid, or any such nonsense! If you use your credit cards enough these worries will
never become reality! Of course, you can always just declare bankruptcy later on anyway, so live it
up!
The probability that you or your partner will get pregnant is...oh I'm guessing here...50/50. The odds
are on your side! If you do get pregnant the emotional issues of abortion, adoption, or my favorite
form of self sabotage, marriage will have to be handled. Either way, you've established an emotional
bond that will have to be dealt with the rest of your living days. So, take the plunge! Don't use that
nasty condom (oh and don't worry about diseases either, a lot of research is being done in this area
right now...by the time you knew you had anything serious they could probably keep you alive a few
more years than they can now!) and if per chance the little cutie you've been dating for the past six or
seven months does become pregnant... hell! marry her! Make her your life's partner! It will be fun
exploring each other's idiosyncrasies with the baby around (remember: put all hospital bills on your
credit card as outlined above). So what if you're both miserable? You can tell everyone, including
yourself, that you're being responsible. And if it truly isn't working out you can always get a divorce
later on down the line. Remember: it's all for the good of the child.
This is probably the most enjoyable and easiest form of self sabotage. While your brain is out to
lunch, your body is becoming weaker. I suggest chain smoking first and then moving on to other
vehicles of narcissistic pleasure. At first your body may reject the toxins, but keep trying! You'll get
used to it and eventually love it...and need it! Of course, these drugs are illegal so don't get caught!
(that's a whole other story...criminal records...but that's in the next episode) The best self sabotage
drugs are also costly, that's why I suggest cocaine. Pricey, quick fix, leaves you wanting more...
perfect! It also helps you (see entry #5)...
This is the crux of the biscuit people. Lie to your parents, your friends, your spouses, your kids, but
most importantly lie to yourself ! When you lie to yourself, you automatically lie to everyone who
cares about you...two birds with one stone! The more people you get to go along with your ruse, the
more people will be disappointed when the truth finally emerges...so the pressure's on...cover all your
bases...this takes a lot of stamina and effort...don't attempt this if you're not prepared for the challenge!
But remember the pay off here is huge...everyone will think you're a great guy! And the love and
admiration you receive will be overwhelming! Who cares if all this attention is unfounded! You're
getting the support and gratification you need! And if per chance the truth slowly erodes the
relationships you have formed and people don't trust you any more...fuck them! There's always
other people around that don't know you, that you can befriend and maybe lay...hell! there's probably
someone who lives across the street or on the first floor of your building that will fall for your
act...therefore, you should really hone your lying skills because a successful lier will always be able to
surround himself with the companionship that suits his current needs! You can always work on those
relationships built on trust later in life because those take more effort for the successful self saboteur.
I hope all of this is helpful for the reader. Remember all of these tricks are tried and true methods of self sabotage based on my real life practices. These examples tend to work best if you can get all of them in action at once. This will take some effort and patience, but once you do, all aspects of your self sabotage will work together and support each other nicely.
Check out my column next episode where I explain how to sabotage yourself by getting and keeping a job as a store clerk, getting as many neighbors as possible involved in your personal crises, what to do when a beautiful stripper/certified genius/artist/heiress (in your own words "the coolest person you know") falls in love with you, and how to obtain funds through your relatives in order to support your fun lovin' lifestyle. Good bye for now! And good luck...you'll need it.