Aires: You show up for a late night booty call to find that the beauties booty is not as cutie as "The Facts of Life"'s Tootie.
Taurus: After being kicked off your high school ultimate frisbee team for frisbee greasing, you slowly become paranoid and drive your Jeep Wrangler through a Toys R' Us.
Gemini: This month your health increases while your dental bill goes through the roof. Stay clear of Philistines whining about the death of goth.
Cancer: Congratulations! You have built the first robotic massage therapist. Being a critical success, this month is a good time to develop other new ideas in the robotic field.
Leo: void main(int argc char *argv[]){
int good(char *);
char *future=argv[1];
while (future == "good") { if (!good(events)) future="bad"; } }
Virgo: Calypso music sucks. I never liked it. Alright, Harry Belefonte was OK, but big shit. Name another one. I thought so.
Libra: You find yourself searching for lost loves. Purchasing an old stack of Car & Driver magazines brings out the hopeless romantic in you. Coup d'etas! Let's take the bridge at sundown!
Scorpio: You contemplate your sexuality. You decide to sew a penis onto your forehead and wear sailor suits and hang out at Crate & Barrels, stalking unwed cashiers.
Sagittarius: If the jogging suit fits, slip it on and hit the clubs. If the suit doesn't fit, take it back and get some Pacific Coast Highway pants and call it a day.
Capricorn: Being slurped, hurled, catapulted through an infinite vortex on a riding lawnmower, you discover the truth about where you are and where you are going. Calypso music still sucks.
Aquarius: Aquarians are a cool breed, good looking, intelligent, maybe hyper-intelligent, fun to be around. Stay the course. You're on the fast track to success. Peace out.
Pisces: After stealing the idea for a robotic dominatrix, you design the ultimate thrill machine. Unfortunately, your robotic master goes haywire and ends up spanking your bottom with a car antenna for three hours straight. Calypso music really isn't all that bad.