SO THERE WE WERE, FEELING TRAPPED AND BORED OUT OF OUR MINDS AT THIS TOMMY KEENE SHOW AT MAMA KIN IN BOSTON (WHO THE HELL IS TOMMY KEENE ANYWAY?). OUR FRIENDS HAD OPENED FOR THIS GUY SO WE FELT COMPELLED TO HANG AND CHECK OUT HIS SET... SUPPOSEDLY THIS GUY HAS SOMETHING LIKE, OH I DON'T KNOW, 14 ALBUMS OUT...HE'S TOUTED AS BEING THE MOST OVERLOOKED TALENT IN ROCK N ROLL... A LITTLE CREATIVE MARKETING ON BEHALF OF HIS MANAGER I'M SURE...WELL ANYWAY, I GUESS THIS GUY HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE THE 80's (MAYBE I WAS JUST TOO INTO DURAN DURAN AT THE TIME TO NOTICE) A CURSORY GLANCE AROUND THE ROOM WOULD CONFIRM THE 80's HYPOTHESIS... MOST PEOPLE (WHO SEEMED TO BE GROOVING TO TOMMY'S OVERLOOKED TALENT) WERE SPORTING LOVE-HANDLES AND HAIR PULLED BACK IN THINNING/GRAYING PONYTAILS... (MAN! IF I WAS EVER GOING BALD THE LAST THING I'D DO IS TRY TO GROW A GODDAMN PONYTAIL). PUT IT THIS WAY, THE HIGHLIGHT (OR LOW-LIGHT DEPENDING ON YOUR CAPACITY FOR IRONY) WAS WHEN THIS RAY DAVIES/KINKS WANNA-BE/SKINNY BLACK LEATHER TIE WEARIN' DUDE FINALLY GOT LIQUORED UP ENOUGH TO SLINK AWAY FROM THE BAR AND MAKE HIS WAY ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR...HEY, I WAS AMUSED.

AS YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS, I WASN'T TOO IMPRESSED WITH TOMMY KEENE. TO PUT IT BLUNTLY, I'VE LIVED WITH BONG SUCKING, VIRTUALLY COMATOSE, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BOYFRIENDS WHO COULD PULL A BETTER GUITAR SOLO OUT OF THEIR RECTUM WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON WITH ONE BUTT CHEEK TO A SPRAWLING UNCOMFORTABLE FUTON IN FRONT OF A SOX GAME. WELL ANYHOW, TO ALLEVIATE THE BOREDOM PRESSING DOWN UPON US, MY COHORTS AND I DECIDED TO ENGAGE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE WHO SEEMED AS EQUALLY BORED AS OURSELVES IN HELPING US COMPILE A LIST OF:

BANDS THAT REALLY SUCK AND SHOULD JUST CALL IT A DAY:

1. TOMMY KEENE - SEE ABOVE.
2. SCATTERFIELD (BOSTON)
   LOUD, TIGHT, BORING...WIPES DOWN INSTRUMENTS AFTER THEY PLAY.
3. GUSTER (BOSTON)
   THEY MAKE HOOTIE LOOK VALID.
4. ULTRA BIDE (NEW YORK)
   BAND MEMBERS ARE JAPANESE AND TOO PROUD OF IT.
5. CAT POWER & KITTY POWER (SAN DIEGO)
   THEY BOTH SUCK BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME NAME. ONE IS A LIZ PHAIR GRUNGER THE OTHER IS A 10 YEAR OLD DRIVEN BY HER FATHER.
6. DRIVEWAY (BOSTON)
   LEAD SINGER THINKS SHE'S COURTNEY LOVE AND IF POSSIBLE IS UGLIER AND A WORSE SINGER.
7. DARLING PICASSOS (BOSTON)
   PRETENTIOUS NAME. HAVE LISTENED TO WAY TOO MANY REM ALBUMS... THEIR SOUND WAS WORN OUT IN 89.
8. POUND CAKE (BOSTON)
   LET THEM EAT DUNG.
9. THE ITINERANTS FEATURING PAT ROBINSON (NEW YORK)
   CLASSIC ROCK BULLSHIT GOING ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.
10. SLEEPCHAMBER (BOSTON)
    ANYONE WHO HAS TO DEPEND UPON A FREE TITTY SHOW TO GET PEOPLE TO THEIR GIGS IS BUMMIN'.
11. WOMEN OF SODOM (BOSTON)
    DITTO. WASN'T GENITORTURERS DOING THIS WHOLE PIERCING/ S&M/HELPING PEOPLE EXPLORE AND ACCEPT DEVIANT FORMS OF SEXUALITY WHILE UNDER THE GUISE OF A BAND THING FIRST?
12. AVATAR BLUE (BOSTON)
    BLEW CHUNKS.
13. DUBIOUS LEGHORN (BOSTON)
    TOO FUCKING HIPPY...AFOREMENTIONED POT SMOKING EX- BOYFRIEND MIGHT LIKE 'EM.
14. POOKA STEW (BOSTON)
    HAVE BEEN PLAYING WAY TOO LONG...TIME TO MOVE ON.
15. SON OF LUCY (BOSTON)
    MY SISTER THREW THEIR CD FROM OUR FIRE ESCAPE, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. WE HAVE THREE MORE, THEY KEEP GIVING US FREE ONES... YOU CAN STOP NOW, THANKS.