ARIES: There is a hole in your life right now. Seek out new interests and hobbies. Purchase more tobacco products. Slap an elderly person or just mouth off to a friendly store clerk. An old friend stops in from out of town. Avoid all chocol ate and torture weapons.

TAURUS: Don't fret, your failed marriage and spare tire around the waist are a sign of the strong. Find solace in talk shows. Leap into the new month with exuberance. The phone will be ringing off the hook but remember to screen your calls.

GEMINI: As you know, I am your leader. Put the wallet down and just back up. No funny stuff... Hey! That's my bike!! Everyone out of the pool!

CANCER: Spring cleaning is too mild a term for the serious overhaul coming into your sign this month. Revise your wardrobe. Fix that leaky toilet, bag your whiny girl/boyfriend, wash out the lettuce crisper in t he fridge, clean between your toes with dental floss. An enema wouldn't hurt...

LEO: Now is not the time for gleeful happiness for the sun does not shine on you this month. Out with the smiles, optimism and hope. In with sadness, gloom and despair. Put up your sails and set a course for Frowntown. You will face insurmountable, teeth grinding circumstances over the next 17 hellish days. An old friend stops in from out of town.

VIRGO: Mars is in your house. There is only one thing for you to do. Slip into something shiny and DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!

LIBRA: Pick up crocheting again. Your mother has been dying for a pot-holder but is too afraid to ask. As a result of last month's efforts at exercising regularly and eating right, your bowels take a turn for the worse. Give yourself an enema.

SCORPIO: You are Spiderman. Spin your web, Baby -- SPIN IT!! Climb some buildings, fight a little crime, sniff a little glue, speak in cartoonish bubbles, keep a low profile and be real sneaky. See ya soon, Spidey!

SAGITARIUS: You're on a roll, the cocaine is sellin' and everyone's buyin'. You're hangin' with the Deep Cheese and you're lookin' liked a freshly waxed El Camino. Have your eyebrows clipped, give yourself an enem a, and enjoy the ride!!

CAPRICORN: Silly Rabbit -- no wait, you're a goat. You've been barking up the wrong tree for a while now. If you follow that pot of gold under the rainbow you may just end up in your own backyard. It will be filled with magical surprises. A n old friend stops in from out of town to give you an enema.

PISCES: The time has come to take the horse by the reigns, the bull by the horns, the dog by the muzzle, the husband by the neck, the gorilla by the wrists, the cotton candy by the wand, the clown by the nose, the c andy from the baby, your sister out to lunch ... (Add more as applicable).

AQUARIUS: You got two tickets to Paradise, pack your bags -- you leave tonight. Buy massive amounts of meat products. Drink bathtubs full of Mountain Dew. Hook every electrical appliance you own into a phaser pedal, because your time has arr ived. You are the chosen one.