aries -- by mid month you develop a lisp and have trouble ordering your usual ceasar's salad for lunch.

taurus -- your crowd surfing and skanking just seems to annoy the other customers at the grocery store.

gemini -- two words: laser surgery

cancer -- stock tip: jet pack industries.

leo -- a real breakthrough... you take the rubber sheets off the bed and make it through the night safely.

virgo -- this month's focus is on you, you, you!! take a bath in palmolive, watch top gun 13 times end to end and feast all day on stouffers spinach souflee and hard boiled eggs.

libra -- your move, spidey. there's no way out.

scorpio -- an old jar of olives delights and astounds your inquisitive mind, while a crowd of onlookers boos and hisses.

sagittarius -- your worst nightmare comes true -- the cable company has caught on to your tricks.

capricorn -- after ordering a turkey club sandwich, you bend down to tie your shoe just in the nick of time, avoiding a flaming arrow aimed at your head.

aquarius -- everywhere you go and at all times of the day, the theme song from "the big valley" rattles through your head. it's starting to get annoying.

pisces -- make sure the batteries in your smoke detector are working. things heat up in the bedroom. yeow -- hot hot hot! burn me! burn me! owwwwwwwwwww! ouch!!!