ARIES (3.21 - 4.19) walk to "deli haus" in kenmore square at 2:15pm. i'll be watching. make sure you are not followed. order a chicken fried steak. leave the money in a brown paper bag under the seat near the restrooms. unmarked bills. no funny stuff.

TAURUS (4.20 - 5.20) you're just flat out boring. you may find more excitement pursuing an amish lifestyle. get off your sorry ass and quit surfing that "net" thing...it will be obsolete next year anyway. watch more MTV "singled out" and "road rules".

GEMINI (5.21 - 6.21) you've reached idiot savant status at work. you begin to investigate, a bit too intensely, what the crunchies are in the middle of that ice cream cake. practice deep meditation. WAX ON...WAX OFF.

CANCER (6.22 - 7.22) you can rub aloe on it, smear hydrocortisone on it, all purpose creams and ointments, submerge it in cucumber juice and give it a calamine rub down. still nothing? subject it to open flame, freeze wrap and squish it, meditate over it, poke at it, flick it, massage it with a pickle spear and tickle it with a palm frond. still won't go away? you do not need a horoscope to tell you your having a horrible month.

LEO (7.23 - 8.22) good month comin' on! sit back and brace yourself for hilarious adventure and action packed free- wheelin' fun! you may be taking a trip you've always wanted. you could wind up getting the lead role in a small town play. you may even find yourself in a high speed chase as you run from a van full of libyan terrorists, while you're driving a dune buggy, wearing a bathrobe, cowboy boots and high as a weather balloon on crystal meth. be careful out there.

VIRGO (8.23 - 9.22) is there any reason your friends are calling you "sewer child"? this may be a good time to examine your personal hygeine habits. fortunately, that smell may just attract a fellow pigpen. do us all a favor: have your cats spayed or nuetered.

LIBRA (9.23 - 10.23) OH GOD NO!!! get back! i mean it! i got a waffle gun! hey...that's not your stuff! arrrgggg!!! ohhh!!!! okay, okay....arrrggg! c'mon! my sister bought me those! uph!

SCORPIO (10.24 - 11.21) once again we meet. i see you have lurked. your presence has been felt yet, you have remained "unseen". good...this is very good. what do you have in store? suprise attack? general malaise? i'll be watching.

SAGITTARIUS (11.22 - 12.21) sister christian, oh your time has come. don't you know that you're the only one to say....ok. cause you're motorin'...you're motorin'. what's your price for flight? for finding mr. right?

CAPRICORN (12.22 - 1.19) election madness is getting the best of you. you find yourself on a hair-brained crusade to stop the walmart opening in your neighborhood. marshmallow fluff will be a staple product this month...use it sparingly. try new things with the vacuum.

AQUARIUS (1.20 - 2.18) you find yourself overextended and exhausted after the olympics. lay back, open a microbrew and read "the seven habits of highly effective people" (stephen r. carey) in its entirity. i smell MUTUAL FUNDS! test drive a brand new '97 mercury sable.