a s k   d i c k w e e d

dear burnin':

my mailbag is full of letters like yours. you might be burnin', but i'm steamin'! steamin' mad! everybody is so lawsuit happy these days! whatever happened to responsibility? whatever happened to civility? whatever happened to peace, justice, and the american way? ever since dc comics killed off superman and then brought him back, things just haven't been the same. burnin', i think it should be clear to you what you have to do -- don't call your lawyer, call your florist! and send that poor working woman an apology with twelve long stems.

dear dickweed: the other day i was out driving in my car and this pedestrian tried to cross in front of me. now, the light was green and he had no right to be there, so i didn't bother to slow down. i almost hit him, and while i whizzed by, the little punk let out a string of obscenities and then kicked my car. do you believe that? i'd just gotten the bronco painted, and this little twerp scratched it all up! i got out of the car and took a swing at him, but he ran away. the police won't help me, but i have to get revenge. i drive by that same intersection fifteen times a day now, trying to spot him again. and this time, i'm ready. i got my sawed-off friend under the seat, and she's hungry for some heat. what type of shells should i use? signed, pissed-off in palooka

dear pissed:

i have four words for you: read your drivers' manual. i'm sure it's tucked away between your yearbook and your favorite pornos. as it clearly states the pedestrian always has the right of way. i feel that you driving around with your sawed-off shotgun, looking for this person is a bit obsessive. think of all the time and energy you have wasted thus far that could've been spent more wisely on activities such as volunteering at the local battered women's shelter, joining the big brother program, or canvassing for the aids brigade. i think you're actually using this incident to vent off your steam from other issues. it's high time you got in touch with your inner child and worked through whatever problems you might be having in a more constructive manner. i suggest hand-puppets. good luck, my friend.

dear dickweed: i think you're really cute. i read your column all the time. you give such good advice -- you're so smart!! and cute, too -- wait did i already say that? anyway, i have a problem with flatulence. my friends tease me -- they call me all sorts of names like bubble-butt, farty-marty, the colostomy kid. what should i do? signed, stinky in helsinki

dear stinky:

friendship is about honesty and trust. it sounds to me like you need to sit down with these so-called friends of yours and see if they're really worth your time. explain to them, carefully, and with much detail, the process that goes on in your bowels. i know it is painful, but they must know. tell them everything. then, ask them to be patient with you. i bet they'll open up and tell you about their own personal problems. there might be tears, but the good laugh you enjoy will surely bring you closer together. we all have things that make us a little different -- and sometimes uncomfortable, as you well know -- but these are the same things that make each of us a unique miracle in god's creation. whenever you fart, remember that jesus loves you. god bless.

dear dickweed: help! signed, hapless in manhattan

dear hapless:

whoever you are, where ever you are, all i can say is, trust in the intrinsic good of humanity and you will never be disappointed.